Today was a Long Day!!!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving. And I survived....although I wasn't sure I was going to at some points during the day. I knew heading into the holiday season and all the family activities that I was going to have a tough time with all of our IF issues. With my SIL pg with #3 and all the news surrounding that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping myself together.....and YES it was SO true. I am very excited for my SIL as they are having their first baby boy, but at the same time.....as much as I don't want to be, I am totally envious. I had such an utter feeling of hopelessness on our quest to have a baby and I just feel so out of place at family get togethers now. I feel like we don't fit in since we don't have kids and growing families. More and more I feel like we are talked about like.....why don't they have kids yet. And I just feel alone. I feel awkward with my SIL, whom I confided in about our issues and now with her pg it is just very awkward. I don't want to talk about it.......she tries her hardest, but she can't understand. She is on baby #3 and I don't think any of the pregnancies have taken long to occur. So, the frustration and angst I feel at the 20 month mark is just hard for her and I just find it better not to talk about it.....or else I will end up in tears.

I cried a lot today. What is wrong with me that we can't have a little one of our own. I know I have issues and need to work on somethings....but heck....don't we all.

Everyone has kids and I just feel like we never are going to and yes this is irrational and yes I know that. We are nowhere near that point, but more and more I feel like......hmmmm.....just sad and hopeless.

I honestly never imagined it would take us this long to get pg. Sure a lot of friends had issues, but why would we. Boy was I wrong. I thought we'd have a 1 year old by now or close to it and instead I can't even get a BFP on a pg test. It grieves me.

I am thankful for a lot on this day of Thanksgiving....I mean I have a loving husband, the best in-laws a girl could hope for, a great family, a job (not so wonderful but pays the bills), a house I really like in a fabulous community, great friends, and a loving God whom I am sure is teaching us something with this struggle. I should lean more on him and trust in his time....it is hard though esp as we keep getting older. At this point if I got pg this cycle I'll be 32 when the baby is born....and we started trying when I was 29.....I though as long as we start before 30 we'll be in great shape. I was SO wrong and currently I am reminded of that everyday.

I have moaned and groaned enough.......I just really needed to vent. It is hard to talk to DH about this stuff sometimes because I feel like he doesn't get it or isn't as troubled by this---that is unfair and probably not true, he is just different and I need to cut him some slack on that.

20th Month

Well, this marks our 20 month of attempting to conceive a little Holmes' baby. This makes me terribly sad. I so though we'd have a 1 year old by this time in our lives and instead I haven't even gotten pg yet. Oh, well. So it goes. There is no point in dwelling on what isn't, but we can hope for what will be.

Yesterday was my first dose of clomid at 25mg. I had to cut the pill in half, which results in a lot of little pieces, but I am sure it is fine. I hope I respond well to the 25mg. I am a little worried about it, but the 50 was too much, so I am optimistic we'll get a perfect cycle time around. CROSSING FINGERS. I go back on Saturday for my CD9 u/s and we'll know more then when they check the follicle growth. I just want to be able to take the follistim and ovidrel and IUI. Come on.......I have 4 more doses of Clomid so we'll see. I am hoping for 2 good mature follies.......

Positive OPK

Yesterday was very stressful on the IF front.

My nurse called to check in and she asked about my OPKs. Of course we were playing phone tag so that doesn't help, but she said any change in the OPK is considered a positive (for some reason). Well, I'd been waiting for a positive. Monday no line, Tuesday the faintest line ever, Wed a little darker, but not positive. Anyway the nurse is like you need to come in for IUI tomorrow and Friday. Well, i got caught up and a little freaked out and scheduled IUIs.

Once I got home I had to try and explain this to DH and whoa, that wasn't fun. He was good with it, but just as confused as I was. After much talking we decided to go back to TI for this month. We just hate to use up a IUI on an unoptimal month.

This morning, I do an OPK, because I'd like a + and there it is. So I feel good about trying on our own for this cycle. I called nurse this morning and let her know. Now we just need to do a lot of BDing.....and that isn't too fun when the pressure is on.

Crossing fingers for good news in 2 weeks, but I am not super optimistic, but I do think our next medicated cycle could be great. We'll reduce my clomid and hopefully get to stim and trigger. YAY!!