Realized Something Special

So, my dad passed away last April---very unexpectedly. Well, if I get pg this cycle with my IUI/O date then the baby's arrival date would be on my Dad's b-day. That would be SO special. I am not feeling terribly optimistic, but we did all we could this cycle and miracles do happen.

This would be so heartwarming for me, I hope I have a Aug delivery......

So Tired of It....

So, already at 8:11 am I am tired of everyone else having babies but me. My old roommate has been e-mailing me about getting his nursery ready for their new arrival in January. They got married 6 months after us.....and we've been trying for so long and now they are having their baby. It makes me want to run and hide......I am very excited for them, but sad for me.

I hate this feeling......I feel like it is all I am these days. One big ball of envy!!! SIGH!

Not So Good Today

Well, IUI #2 was this morning. Andrew went in at 9 and I went in at 10:30. Sadly, the volume was pretty low and as such after washing we only had 2.6mil swimmers. They like at least 5, so this was low, but the RE said it is still more than would get to the uterus on their own. So maybe there is still hope. I am pretty bummed.

We Are On Our Way

This cycle is shaping up nicely. I proudly gave myself my first trigger shot last night and it wasn't bad at all. Pretty easy. Then we successfully BDed as ordered. We go in tomorrow morning for the IUI. Crossing fingers for good numbers and for one little swimmer to make it to the goal. We'll see in about 2 weeks. SIGH!

I am Estrace since the Clomid thinned my lining and I'll be starting Prometrium too after the IUI. Those two meds don't treat me kindly on the symptom front.....so it may be a long two weeks. At least I know what to expect this time around.

Come on IUI and a BFP!!

CD 9 Update

Let's see, I went in for monitoring this morning and everything looks great. I had 2 follies---1 at 16 and 1 at 21. So I am triggering tonight. I am pretty excited about that; although I had hoped to get to use the Follistim as well, but at least we are using the Ovidrel. Our IUI will be Monday morning....and then the dreaded 2ww. At least I have vacation thrown in this 2ww to make the time go faster.

I sure would like to have a Christmas surprise for our families.....but I don't know if it will happen. We'll see.

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling so down today. I am concerned since this is just the begining of the holiday season and I am already so down about our situation. I may ask on Saturday if the RE recommends any counselors.....I am hoping this sadness will pass, but right nowit is feels all consuming. I fear with the holidays and then a lot of friends and family having babies in Jan-Apr that this may spiral me down.

Maybe we'll have good news before then. But I am not very optimistic today.

Today was a Long Day!!!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving. And I survived....although I wasn't sure I was going to at some points during the day. I knew heading into the holiday season and all the family activities that I was going to have a tough time with all of our IF issues. With my SIL pg with #3 and all the news surrounding that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping myself together.....and YES it was SO true. I am very excited for my SIL as they are having their first baby boy, but at the same time.....as much as I don't want to be, I am totally envious. I had such an utter feeling of hopelessness on our quest to have a baby and I just feel so out of place at family get togethers now. I feel like we don't fit in since we don't have kids and growing families. More and more I feel like we are talked about like.....why don't they have kids yet. And I just feel alone. I feel awkward with my SIL, whom I confided in about our issues and now with her pg it is just very awkward. I don't want to talk about it.......she tries her hardest, but she can't understand. She is on baby #3 and I don't think any of the pregnancies have taken long to occur. So, the frustration and angst I feel at the 20 month mark is just hard for her and I just find it better not to talk about it.....or else I will end up in tears.

I cried a lot today. What is wrong with me that we can't have a little one of our own. I know I have issues and need to work on somethings....but heck....don't we all.

Everyone has kids and I just feel like we never are going to and yes this is irrational and yes I know that. We are nowhere near that point, but more and more I feel like......hmmmm.....just sad and hopeless.

I honestly never imagined it would take us this long to get pg. Sure a lot of friends had issues, but why would we. Boy was I wrong. I thought we'd have a 1 year old by now or close to it and instead I can't even get a BFP on a pg test. It grieves me.

I am thankful for a lot on this day of Thanksgiving....I mean I have a loving husband, the best in-laws a girl could hope for, a great family, a job (not so wonderful but pays the bills), a house I really like in a fabulous community, great friends, and a loving God whom I am sure is teaching us something with this struggle. I should lean more on him and trust in his time....it is hard though esp as we keep getting older. At this point if I got pg this cycle I'll be 32 when the baby is born....and we started trying when I was 29.....I though as long as we start before 30 we'll be in great shape. I was SO wrong and currently I am reminded of that everyday.

I have moaned and groaned enough.......I just really needed to vent. It is hard to talk to DH about this stuff sometimes because I feel like he doesn't get it or isn't as troubled by this---that is unfair and probably not true, he is just different and I need to cut him some slack on that.