Realized Something Special

So, my dad passed away last April---very unexpectedly. Well, if I get pg this cycle with my IUI/O date then the baby's arrival date would be on my Dad's b-day. That would be SO special. I am not feeling terribly optimistic, but we did all we could this cycle and miracles do happen.

This would be so heartwarming for me, I hope I have a Aug delivery......

So Tired of It....

So, already at 8:11 am I am tired of everyone else having babies but me. My old roommate has been e-mailing me about getting his nursery ready for their new arrival in January. They got married 6 months after us.....and we've been trying for so long and now they are having their baby. It makes me want to run and hide......I am very excited for them, but sad for me.

I hate this feeling......I feel like it is all I am these days. One big ball of envy!!! SIGH!

Not So Good Today

Well, IUI #2 was this morning. Andrew went in at 9 and I went in at 10:30. Sadly, the volume was pretty low and as such after washing we only had 2.6mil swimmers. They like at least 5, so this was low, but the RE said it is still more than would get to the uterus on their own. So maybe there is still hope. I am pretty bummed.

We Are On Our Way

This cycle is shaping up nicely. I proudly gave myself my first trigger shot last night and it wasn't bad at all. Pretty easy. Then we successfully BDed as ordered. We go in tomorrow morning for the IUI. Crossing fingers for good numbers and for one little swimmer to make it to the goal. We'll see in about 2 weeks. SIGH!

I am Estrace since the Clomid thinned my lining and I'll be starting Prometrium too after the IUI. Those two meds don't treat me kindly on the symptom front.....so it may be a long two weeks. At least I know what to expect this time around.

Come on IUI and a BFP!!

CD 9 Update

Let's see, I went in for monitoring this morning and everything looks great. I had 2 follies---1 at 16 and 1 at 21. So I am triggering tonight. I am pretty excited about that; although I had hoped to get to use the Follistim as well, but at least we are using the Ovidrel. Our IUI will be Monday morning....and then the dreaded 2ww. At least I have vacation thrown in this 2ww to make the time go faster.

I sure would like to have a Christmas surprise for our families.....but I don't know if it will happen. We'll see.

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling so down today. I am concerned since this is just the begining of the holiday season and I am already so down about our situation. I may ask on Saturday if the RE recommends any counselors.....I am hoping this sadness will pass, but right nowit is feels all consuming. I fear with the holidays and then a lot of friends and family having babies in Jan-Apr that this may spiral me down.

Maybe we'll have good news before then. But I am not very optimistic today.

Today was a Long Day!!!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving. And I survived....although I wasn't sure I was going to at some points during the day. I knew heading into the holiday season and all the family activities that I was going to have a tough time with all of our IF issues. With my SIL pg with #3 and all the news surrounding that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping myself together.....and YES it was SO true. I am very excited for my SIL as they are having their first baby boy, but at the same time.....as much as I don't want to be, I am totally envious. I had such an utter feeling of hopelessness on our quest to have a baby and I just feel so out of place at family get togethers now. I feel like we don't fit in since we don't have kids and growing families. More and more I feel like we are talked about like.....why don't they have kids yet. And I just feel alone. I feel awkward with my SIL, whom I confided in about our issues and now with her pg it is just very awkward. I don't want to talk about it.......she tries her hardest, but she can't understand. She is on baby #3 and I don't think any of the pregnancies have taken long to occur. So, the frustration and angst I feel at the 20 month mark is just hard for her and I just find it better not to talk about it.....or else I will end up in tears.

I cried a lot today. What is wrong with me that we can't have a little one of our own. I know I have issues and need to work on somethings....but heck....don't we all.

Everyone has kids and I just feel like we never are going to and yes this is irrational and yes I know that. We are nowhere near that point, but more and more I feel like......hmmmm.....just sad and hopeless.

I honestly never imagined it would take us this long to get pg. Sure a lot of friends had issues, but why would we. Boy was I wrong. I thought we'd have a 1 year old by now or close to it and instead I can't even get a BFP on a pg test. It grieves me.

I am thankful for a lot on this day of Thanksgiving....I mean I have a loving husband, the best in-laws a girl could hope for, a great family, a job (not so wonderful but pays the bills), a house I really like in a fabulous community, great friends, and a loving God whom I am sure is teaching us something with this struggle. I should lean more on him and trust in his time....it is hard though esp as we keep getting older. At this point if I got pg this cycle I'll be 32 when the baby is born....and we started trying when I was 29.....I though as long as we start before 30 we'll be in great shape. I was SO wrong and currently I am reminded of that everyday.

I have moaned and groaned enough.......I just really needed to vent. It is hard to talk to DH about this stuff sometimes because I feel like he doesn't get it or isn't as troubled by this---that is unfair and probably not true, he is just different and I need to cut him some slack on that.

Tagging.....

Jamee
Trish
BEVJANE
Delilah
Tracy
Rachel
Mel
Rachel

Phew....that was a lot of people. I so need to update my Blogs I read list....

Tagged--FIRST TIME_--WOOHOO!!!

Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you(http://www.mrsegallagher.blogspot.com/).

Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I am 5'5" and I have gained like 15 lbs in the past year---UGH!!!
2. I love to swim and wish I could have my summers back. I did synchronized swimming and I was a lifeguard and swim instructor as a teenager and through college.
3. I went to a small college no one has heard of.....North Greenville College (now University).
4. I failed my driving test WAY too many times and my mom had to enlist a teacher.
5. I hate my job--but they pay me.
6. I love to travel. I never really traveled until I met my DH and now we are hooked. Even though I stress a lot when we travel and drive him crazy. Next up a long weekend in the Dominican Republic---in 2 weeks.
7. I love to cook, but since discovering Let's Dish, that is all we eat. Maybe they have contributed to the 15 lbs weight gain too.
8. This is a lot of things.....I have little hands and fingers....my ring size is a 4. I don't notice they are small, but others certainly do.

OK, now for me to tag 8 friends! Lets see....I'll tag tomorrow....It is time to head home.

20th Month

Well, this marks our 20 month of attempting to conceive a little Holmes' baby. This makes me terribly sad. I so though we'd have a 1 year old by this time in our lives and instead I haven't even gotten pg yet. Oh, well. So it goes. There is no point in dwelling on what isn't, but we can hope for what will be.

Yesterday was my first dose of clomid at 25mg. I had to cut the pill in half, which results in a lot of little pieces, but I am sure it is fine. I hope I respond well to the 25mg. I am a little worried about it, but the 50 was too much, so I am optimistic we'll get a perfect cycle time around. CROSSING FINGERS. I go back on Saturday for my CD9 u/s and we'll know more then when they check the follicle growth. I just want to be able to take the follistim and ovidrel and IUI. Come on.......I have 4 more doses of Clomid so we'll see. I am hoping for 2 good mature follies.......

Another try---here we come

So today is CD1, again!! Sad, but good in that it is start of a new cycle with an adjustment to the meds that hopefully will get us the desired outcome. I'd so love to have a Christmas surprise for everyone. SIGH!!! But the likelihood is low, but miracles happen.

Anyway, I am all set up for my first monitoring appointment on Sunday and I just have to pray the clomid from last month hasn't left me with any cysts or anything and that all looks good on Sunday to get started with the meds. I believe the plan is 25mg of Clomid day 3-7, follistim on CD9, trigger on CD11, IUI on day 13. CROSSING ALL FINGERS the plan works!!!

Cautiously optimistic.

Grrr.....just talked to my nurse and she is not on the same page......we'll see. I am a little irritated.

Someday

I am looking forward to taking the hopefully off of this blog.

Nothing else to report, just wanted to share that thought.

Didn't Go So Well

:(

Well, the plan did not go well. So I am pretty much moving on emotionally to the next cycle. I never should have agreed to not IUIing. It just never works out the way we hope and then we are both upset. I have about a 2% hope that something good will come out of this month, so that isn't much.

I am a little worried next month won't work out timing wise with our mini vacation, but I counted days and we may just be able to squeeze it all in.....but there would be the small chance we wouldn't. I hate to waist the meds, so we'll see when CD1 is. That will be a huge deciding factor.

It was a tough weekend emotionally, but a good one in that I FINALLY finished my wedding scrapbook. PHEW, 3.5 years later. :)

Positive OPK

Yesterday was very stressful on the IF front.

My nurse called to check in and she asked about my OPKs. Of course we were playing phone tag so that doesn't help, but she said any change in the OPK is considered a positive (for some reason). Well, I'd been waiting for a positive. Monday no line, Tuesday the faintest line ever, Wed a little darker, but not positive. Anyway the nurse is like you need to come in for IUI tomorrow and Friday. Well, i got caught up and a little freaked out and scheduled IUIs.

Once I got home I had to try and explain this to DH and whoa, that wasn't fun. He was good with it, but just as confused as I was. After much talking we decided to go back to TI for this month. We just hate to use up a IUI on an unoptimal month.

This morning, I do an OPK, because I'd like a + and there it is. So I feel good about trying on our own for this cycle. I called nurse this morning and let her know. Now we just need to do a lot of BDing.....and that isn't too fun when the pressure is on.

Crossing fingers for good news in 2 weeks, but I am not super optimistic, but I do think our next medicated cycle could be great. We'll reduce my clomid and hopefully get to stim and trigger. YAY!!