Thursday, December 27, 2007

Feelings today

DH took the news really bad. He was SO sad, it was terrible having to tell him. However about 2 hours after sharing the news, he came downstairs and was like...."Now that you tell me I have an infection, I am not feeling well. Everything hurts". Who knows. We are just waiting for the tests to come back and then get him antibiotics to get whatever it is cleared up. And we'll hope for AF to appear quickly and get going on the next round.

I feel like all we do is wait and feel like we are never going to be parents........SIGH!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

IUI #3 Canceled

So I battled traffic to go to IUI and when I get there they take me to a little office and say the Dr. will be right in to talk to you. You know that isn't good. Turns out Andrew has an infection and so they have sent it off to determine treatment, but no IUI since they would risk spreading the germs to me. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

How it goes, but I so was on the verge of tears talking to her. I have just been at a low point with the whole IF thing and another month blown. Will be ever have a baby?

1 Hour to IUI #3

So I am about to head out for IUI #3. We did get to use all the meds....clomid, follistim (and I do agree with the nickname follisting), and the ovidrel. Sadly, at the CD11 u/s the RE only saw 1 mature follie and not the 3 the nurse saw on CD9; so I am a bit bummed about that. Needless to say, we are crossing our fingers for some good results. I'll post this afternoon with the results of the IUI!

Sunday, December 23, 2007


So, last night we got the call to add the Follistim shot to our protocol this month. Very exciting as it adds a little extra ummph to the chance of success. Now we are just hoping those 3 follies keep maturing and that tomorrow morning we get the go ahead to trigger and have the IUI on the Wed, Dec 26. We'll know tomorrow afternoon what the plan is, but this little change gives us a little better chance for success and at this point adds some extra hope....YAY!! I am thrilled.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

CD9 Update

Well, I went in this morning and while getting my blood drawn was a PAIN, the u/s went pretty well. I loved the nurse who talked through everything. I have 3 follies--none quite mature. One teh right there is a 14mm and on the left there is an 11 and a 12. Good news......I am hoping to get to use my follisitm, since they aren't quite mature. We'll see when the nurse calls this afternoon.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

CD3 Update

Sunday was CD3 so in I went for blood work and u/s. Luckily with the threat of bad weather and IVF on a break, I got in and out in no time. Everything looked great and we are on for another round.

For the u/s, I had 22 follies in right ovary and 10 in the left, so those are good starting numbers. I can't wait to see how they respond to the clomid this cycle. I had up to Rockville on Saturday for CD9 u/s and blood work and I am hoping to trigger and IUI on Monday, but we'll see. This was how I progressed the last couple of cycles so I figure I will respond the same.

I also scheduled a consult with Dr. Saffan for 9 Jan to discuss what is next. We'll know if this cycle has then and we'll be on our 4th IUI (3rd medicated) and at that point I think we need to consider moving to IVF or doing a laproscopy. I am leaning towards IVF, but want to discuss it further and have some time to figure out what we are comfortable with.

SIGH....I wish I was done making these decisions.

Friday, December 14, 2007

CD1.....another round here we come

Today is full of phone calls setting up appointments, getting authorization, informing everyone and their brother it is CD1. Not phone, but what I do each and every month. So here we go on the merry go round again.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Feeling ICKY!!!

Well, AF must be CLOSE because I feel so bad today. Achey all over, esp my head. The only food that sounds good is chocolate and today I so wish she would arrive and let's get on with it!! I was hoping today would be the day, but it looks like tomorrow....if so and plan goes as per usual......IUI would be Christmas Eve. We'll see.....if she waits that means I would need it on Christmas Day and I don't see that happening, I bet they are open....but it seems mean....although a memorable day to conceive. ;)

At the same time I am feeling slightly hopeless, but trying not too. Last month our count was low I think to the protocol, so I am hoping to improve that and maybe the meds will do the trick. This is just IUI #3.....right....but at the #3 the success rates start we'll see.

We are for sure doing a #4....but that is all I know at this point.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Borrowed and SO TRUE

I read this on and she SO hit the nail on the head:
I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, with love and passion. But I can't. Instead, I take horrible meds that make fat, bloated, over heated, and nauseous with swollen ovaries! I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??". I feel so lost since there is no explained reason why I am not pregnant and this adds to the frustration. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire because I am pregnant not because of all the meds I am on. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends and family say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I think I just might throw something next time someone tells me to relax. I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; but it get harder and harder not to explain the delay.....I know they must wonder "Are they ever having kids". I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly. I don’t want to have to use an elastic to loosen my pants because I am so bloated it hurts! I don’t want to put on 25lbs because of all the meds. I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't. Instead, I give hundreds of vials of blood, get poked and prodded and have extremely painful tests. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to go to Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall and I spend all my money on fertility meds, ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't. Instead, I watch him with our nieces and love the way he loves them, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't. Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend and throw their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!". But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't. Instead, I praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

2 More Test and 2 More Big Fat Nagatives

OK, really no surprise, but it is hard not to hope esp since this was the first cycle with Clomid and the trigger shot, but with the low count we had I am not surprised. I stopped taking the supplements on Monday and am not waiting for AF. I am hoping Thursday and then we'll get one more round in before Christmas.

Andrew was pretty sad, hoping we'd have some good news to share on Christmas, but no luck. I can't help but feeling like we are never going to have a baby. As the 2 year mark is fast approaching and tons of new babies are coming into our circle, I am just bracing for a tough few months. I sure hope we get a BFP soon.

I am planning to set up a consult for January (I hope) to discuss what is next. We have to do two more medicated IUIs....and those will soon be through. I'd like to move to IVF, but I need to figure out the plan. Do we need to do an injectible cycle first or something else? Plus also there is the possibility of some endometriosis, would a laproscopy be beneficial before IVF.....? Will I ever be a mom or even ever be pg???

Thursday, December 6, 2007

So I Caved....10dpiui

BFN....still early. Tests aren't totally accurate this early, but I ended having 5 tests versus the 3 I thought I had and figured what the heck. Some people get BFP that early...although I don't think I'll be getting one. Anyway the BFN came up in like 2 secs.....

I am bummed, but of course will test a few more times before I am totally sure it is truly a BFN as I am expecting.

Sadly, as little hope as I had, I still wish it wasn't a BFN. If I got a BFP then Christmas would be a whole lot easier, without.....feeling like I am going to be in a funk through all the friend and family gtgs since revolve around babies and pg people and I am just sad I can't join the club.

Not totally out of hope, but I will generally be enjoying our All-Inclusive resort we are headed to this weekend. We SO need a break from all this crap and when we return, back on the IF merry go round. SIGH!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Testing is getting close

I really don't have much hope, but as the days pass this twinge and that always lead to the HOPE! And the hope is so hard to deal with. Since we are headed on a little get-away to the Caribbean, I am planning to test on Friday morning at 11dpiui and if neg I will test again on Sunday or Monday. Truly, I don't feel pg and I think all the twinges are s/e of the meds. I learned that the hard way last time when I got my hopes all up and then they got dashed on the floor, so this time I am truly trying to not lend those s/e any credit.

Today I was standing at work and it is 8dpiui and the perfect time for implantation, so I am standing there and I feel this HUGE cramp and then this woosh of something wet.....I am hoping for some implantation spotting---just for a glimmer of hope, but I rush off and it is just the meds. SIGH!!! I sure would love a Christmas surprise, but that hope is only the size of a mustard seed right now.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Realized Something Special

So, my dad passed away last April---very unexpectedly. Well, if I get pg this cycle with my IUI/O date then the baby's arrival date would be on my Dad's b-day. That would be SO special. I am not feeling terribly optimistic, but we did all we could this cycle and miracles do happen.

This would be so heartwarming for me, I hope I have a Aug delivery......

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

So Tired of It....

So, already at 8:11 am I am tired of everyone else having babies but me. My old roommate has been e-mailing me about getting his nursery ready for their new arrival in January. They got married 6 months after us.....and we've been trying for so long and now they are having their baby. It makes me want to run and hide......I am very excited for them, but sad for me.

I hate this feeling......I feel like it is all I am these days. One big ball of envy!!! SIGH!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Not So Good Today

Well, IUI #2 was this morning. Andrew went in at 9 and I went in at 10:30. Sadly, the volume was pretty low and as such after washing we only had 2.6mil swimmers. They like at least 5, so this was low, but the RE said it is still more than would get to the uterus on their own. So maybe there is still hope. I am pretty bummed.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

We Are On Our Way

This cycle is shaping up nicely. I proudly gave myself my first trigger shot last night and it wasn't bad at all. Pretty easy. Then we successfully BDed as ordered. We go in tomorrow morning for the IUI. Crossing fingers for good numbers and for one little swimmer to make it to the goal. We'll see in about 2 weeks. SIGH!

I am Estrace since the Clomid thinned my lining and I'll be starting Prometrium too after the IUI. Those two meds don't treat me kindly on the symptom it may be a long two weeks. At least I know what to expect this time around.

Come on IUI and a BFP!!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

CD 9 Update

Let's see, I went in for monitoring this morning and everything looks great. I had 2 follies---1 at 16 and 1 at 21. So I am triggering tonight. I am pretty excited about that; although I had hoped to get to use the Follistim as well, but at least we are using the Ovidrel. Our IUI will be Monday morning....and then the dreaded 2ww. At least I have vacation thrown in this 2ww to make the time go faster.

I sure would like to have a Christmas surprise for our families.....but I don't know if it will happen. We'll see.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling so down today. I am concerned since this is just the begining of the holiday season and I am already so down about our situation. I may ask on Saturday if the RE recommends any counselors.....I am hoping this sadness will pass, but right nowit is feels all consuming. I fear with the holidays and then a lot of friends and family having babies in Jan-Apr that this may spiral me down.

Maybe we'll have good news before then. But I am not very optimistic today.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Today was a Long Day!!!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving. And I survived....although I wasn't sure I was going to at some points during the day. I knew heading into the holiday season and all the family activities that I was going to have a tough time with all of our IF issues. With my SIL pg with #3 and all the news surrounding that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping myself together.....and YES it was SO true. I am very excited for my SIL as they are having their first baby boy, but at the same much as I don't want to be, I am totally envious. I had such an utter feeling of hopelessness on our quest to have a baby and I just feel so out of place at family get togethers now. I feel like we don't fit in since we don't have kids and growing families. More and more I feel like we are talked about like.....why don't they have kids yet. And I just feel alone. I feel awkward with my SIL, whom I confided in about our issues and now with her pg it is just very awkward. I don't want to talk about it.......she tries her hardest, but she can't understand. She is on baby #3 and I don't think any of the pregnancies have taken long to occur. So, the frustration and angst I feel at the 20 month mark is just hard for her and I just find it better not to talk about it.....or else I will end up in tears.

I cried a lot today. What is wrong with me that we can't have a little one of our own. I know I have issues and need to work on somethings....but heck....don't we all.

Everyone has kids and I just feel like we never are going to and yes this is irrational and yes I know that. We are nowhere near that point, but more and more I feel like......hmmmm.....just sad and hopeless.

I honestly never imagined it would take us this long to get pg. Sure a lot of friends had issues, but why would we. Boy was I wrong. I thought we'd have a 1 year old by now or close to it and instead I can't even get a BFP on a pg test. It grieves me.

I am thankful for a lot on this day of Thanksgiving....I mean I have a loving husband, the best in-laws a girl could hope for, a great family, a job (not so wonderful but pays the bills), a house I really like in a fabulous community, great friends, and a loving God whom I am sure is teaching us something with this struggle. I should lean more on him and trust in his is hard though esp as we keep getting older. At this point if I got pg this cycle I'll be 32 when the baby is born....and we started trying when I was 29.....I though as long as we start before 30 we'll be in great shape. I was SO wrong and currently I am reminded of that everyday.

I have moaned and groaned enough.......I just really needed to vent. It is hard to talk to DH about this stuff sometimes because I feel like he doesn't get it or isn't as troubled by this---that is unfair and probably not true, he is just different and I need to cut him some slack on that.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007



Phew....that was a lot of people. I so need to update my Blogs I read list....

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you(

Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I am 5'5" and I have gained like 15 lbs in the past year---UGH!!!
2. I love to swim and wish I could have my summers back. I did synchronized swimming and I was a lifeguard and swim instructor as a teenager and through college.
3. I went to a small college no one has heard of.....North Greenville College (now University).
4. I failed my driving test WAY too many times and my mom had to enlist a teacher.
5. I hate my job--but they pay me.
6. I love to travel. I never really traveled until I met my DH and now we are hooked. Even though I stress a lot when we travel and drive him crazy. Next up a long weekend in the Dominican Republic---in 2 weeks.
7. I love to cook, but since discovering Let's Dish, that is all we eat. Maybe they have contributed to the 15 lbs weight gain too.
8. This is a lot of things.....I have little hands and ring size is a 4. I don't notice they are small, but others certainly do.

OK, now for me to tag 8 friends! Lets see....I'll tag tomorrow....It is time to head home.

Monday, November 19, 2007

20th Month

Well, this marks our 20 month of attempting to conceive a little Holmes' baby. This makes me terribly sad. I so though we'd have a 1 year old by this time in our lives and instead I haven't even gotten pg yet. Oh, well. So it goes. There is no point in dwelling on what isn't, but we can hope for what will be.

Yesterday was my first dose of clomid at 25mg. I had to cut the pill in half, which results in a lot of little pieces, but I am sure it is fine. I hope I respond well to the 25mg. I am a little worried about it, but the 50 was too much, so I am optimistic we'll get a perfect cycle time around. CROSSING FINGERS. I go back on Saturday for my CD9 u/s and we'll know more then when they check the follicle growth. I just want to be able to take the follistim and ovidrel and IUI. Come on.......I have 4 more doses of Clomid so we'll see. I am hoping for 2 good mature follies.......

Friday, November 16, 2007

Another try---here we come

So today is CD1, again!! Sad, but good in that it is start of a new cycle with an adjustment to the meds that hopefully will get us the desired outcome. I'd so love to have a Christmas surprise for everyone. SIGH!!! But the likelihood is low, but miracles happen.

Anyway, I am all set up for my first monitoring appointment on Sunday and I just have to pray the clomid from last month hasn't left me with any cysts or anything and that all looks good on Sunday to get started with the meds. I believe the plan is 25mg of Clomid day 3-7, follistim on CD9, trigger on CD11, IUI on day 13. CROSSING ALL FINGERS the plan works!!!

Cautiously optimistic.

Grrr.....just talked to my nurse and she is not on the same page......we'll see. I am a little irritated.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


I am looking forward to taking the hopefully off of this blog.

Nothing else to report, just wanted to share that thought.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Didn't Go So Well


Well, the plan did not go well. So I am pretty much moving on emotionally to the next cycle. I never should have agreed to not IUIing. It just never works out the way we hope and then we are both upset. I have about a 2% hope that something good will come out of this month, so that isn't much.

I am a little worried next month won't work out timing wise with our mini vacation, but I counted days and we may just be able to squeeze it all in.....but there would be the small chance we wouldn't. I hate to waist the meds, so we'll see when CD1 is. That will be a huge deciding factor.

It was a tough weekend emotionally, but a good one in that I FINALLY finished my wedding scrapbook. PHEW, 3.5 years later. :)

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Positive OPK

Yesterday was very stressful on the IF front.

My nurse called to check in and she asked about my OPKs. Of course we were playing phone tag so that doesn't help, but she said any change in the OPK is considered a positive (for some reason). Well, I'd been waiting for a positive. Monday no line, Tuesday the faintest line ever, Wed a little darker, but not positive. Anyway the nurse is like you need to come in for IUI tomorrow and Friday. Well, i got caught up and a little freaked out and scheduled IUIs.

Once I got home I had to try and explain this to DH and whoa, that wasn't fun. He was good with it, but just as confused as I was. After much talking we decided to go back to TI for this month. We just hate to use up a IUI on an unoptimal month.

This morning, I do an OPK, because I'd like a + and there it is. So I feel good about trying on our own for this cycle. I called nurse this morning and let her know. Now we just need to do a lot of BDing.....and that isn't too fun when the pressure is on.

Crossing fingers for good news in 2 weeks, but I am not super optimistic, but I do think our next medicated cycle could be great. We'll reduce my clomid and hopefully get to stim and trigger. YAY!!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Another Friend

So, another friend has just told me she is pg. And pg with #2 that is. I am not bitter, I am not bitter. I am just SAD!! It was hard when all my friends were pg and having their first babies, but now many friends and family are onto #2 and #3 and that is just a harder pill to swallow.

I want to join the club. I want to have mommy memories. I want to see my DH as a Daddy. I am so envious of friends and family with little ones. As the months pass it gets harder and harder to deal with. Our 20th cycle is fast approaching and I just want a wee one!!! 2 years will be here before we know it. It makes me SO sad. And I feel left out with friends and family. I feel like they must talk behind our why don't they have kids yet. They love kids.....are they going to have them.....

It all gets compounded with more and more friends/family pg.....and some days it is hard to hold it all together.

SIGH.....and so it goes.

CD9 and CD11 Ultrasound and Bloodwork Results

Let's start with CD9---

I went in on Friday for ultrasound and bloodwork to see how the Clomid worked and to also determine if I needed the Follistim. While I was there, the RE said she didn't think I'd need the Follisitm, but they'd call with results and also that my lining was thin and I'd probably need to supplement my Estrogen (a common side effect of the Clomid). So I went home to wait for a phone call--meantime, we got our new refrigerator and it is AWESOME!!! So in the afternoon, my nurse calls with all the results----I don't need the Follistim, but I also have a large number of follies (no specifics). She told me I should come back on Sunday for another monitoring session and that we were not to have intercourse.......

So onto CD11---
My appointment was at 8:15. I get up a few minutes early and head out only to discover, my alarm clock decided yesterday was the DST change, which it usually is, but not this year and I so I missed my appointment. They close at 9am and that is when I got there. THANKFULLY, I was able to call and get in at the Rockville office and that worked out well since my RE was there and we had to do some talking about what to do this cycle.

So I had my u/s and Dr. Saffan told me that on CD9 I basically had 4 follicles that were the same size. On the u/s on Sunday, there was:
1 follicle at 19mm
2 follicles at 16 mm
and a bunch of smaller ones

A mature follicle is 18mm or over. Basically it looks like I could have 3, since the follies will keep growing. And 3 follies can equal 3 babies. Not the ideal number. So, we easily decide no trigger shot which would prompt the follies to grow and probably ovulate. After much discussion, we decide to let me ovulate naturally which will probably result in only one or two eggs releasing and then do either IUI or timed intercourse. RE was good with both options and we also were able to decide next cycle I will only do 25mg of Clomid and hope for 1-2 EXCELLENT follies and slightly better timing.

Andrew and I talked about our options and decided on just doing TI this month. So we'll see. Yesterday my lutenizing hormone was still very low, so we'll see how the week progresses. I may go back in on Wed morning for another monitoring session. :)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Getting Eager for what is next!!

Tonight will be my last dose of Clomid and I am antsy to see where we are on Friday!!! I am optimistic the boost from the meds should help our chances this month. Granted the odds are still not huge, but they are way better than they have been in a LONG time.

Come on BFP!!!!!!!! Come on BFP!!!!! We want a little Holmes' baby!!!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Update from Saturday's Monitoring Appt

Let's see. All went well. It was all pretty basic. Blood work and ultrasound. Then wait for a call for the all clear to start meds.

So the ultrasound showed 7 follicles on both sides. I think that is a good number. I think the last ultrasound in May/June showed 9 on one and 6 on the other, so I think that is an average start count. Now we just want them to GROW--but not all of them.

In the afternoon on Saturday, I got the green light to start Clomid. I've take two doses and have three more to go. Then I go back on Friday for another round of blood work and ultrasound.

So far, I haven't had any bad side effects from the Clomid and many people claim it can be very bad. I am only on 50mg and that is the lowest dose, so that may have something to do with it. But I am glad none the less. This time next week we could be doing the IUI and in wait mode. Very exciting.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Baseling U/S and bw tomorrow

I am a bit nervous. What if something isn't right......and I can't proceed. These thoughts are niggling about, but I am sure all will be great. I just need to not stress as that can throw some of the hormone stuff off.

Anyway, I am also excited to go and get the OK to start my meds. I am so hoping this is what we need to make some magic. More and more I am realizing whatever isn't working probably has to do with me, but does that really matter no. I just want a healthy baby!!! I want to be pregnant and enjoy all the good and bad that comes with that. I want to hold my baby in my arms and see who I think they look like---Andrew or me.

Sure I love my DH and my puppy dearly, but I want more. Is that so bad?

So the journey of IF continues. Hopefully next time I write I'll be a medicated woman (for the good and the bad---and I hear a lot of BAD can come of Clomid).

Thursday, October 18, 2007

New Cycle= New Hope

So, finally I am on CD1!! I am so excited about starting my first medicated cycle. Since my last post, I've received my meds, taken the injectable class, and am all set to get going. I have just been waiting......

I go on Saturday for CD3 blood work and ultrasound to make sure all is good to start the meds. If everything looks good, I'll take Clomid (50mg) for 5 days. Then the plan is back to the office for ultrasound on CD9. Depending on how things are going in with my follicle development, we are planning to use Follistim (75mg) and then Ovidrel to trigger.

For now, just crossing fingers all looks good on Saturday and I can start the Clomid. I'll be posting again soon.

Friday, October 5, 2007

First Medicated Cycle

Well, I think we are all set for our first medicated cycle. YAY! This really increases our chance at success....we are going from about 2-4% to 17-20 percent and the average fertile couple has a 20% chance each month, so it brings us back up to that level. YAY! I am cautiously optimistic.

I have my injectible class on 16 Oct which is a little later than they'd like, since that is when I'll learn the protocol (or when to take what and how), but I think it will be OK.

Here are the meds we are using this cycle:

I am pretty excited, but scared at the same time. Hoping all the side effects don't make me too much loonier than I already am and that they don't make me gain 800 more lbs, since I've already gained about 10 excess lbs this year with all the IF stress. SIGH!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Another Day

So, it is just another day and I so mean that. This week started well, we have a plan and that is half of the battle. Then I found out some of the meds aren't covered by insurance, so I am freaking out because those meds help mitigate some of the mild endometriosis my RE suspects and really increase the chance of a poitive outcome. Call nurse and try and figure out where to go.....she is irritated at insurance too for not telling her, but it is no big deal. She'll call in the prescriptions to a "speciality" pharmacy. GREAT. But as of 36 hours later, still no call from them. I just am waiting to see the damage for one month of drugs............I can only imagine Andrew's response when I am able to tell him.

But on the good side, I have my injectables class scheduled (although a little close CD-wise, but hopfully it will work out). I got in the first available class. CROSSING FINGERS on that. It just needs to happen before day 3 I think.

Other things going on----I weighed myself, something I've been avoiding for like the year and a half we've been TTCing and BOY was it BAD! I saw numbers I have never seen, so I am making a concerted effort to eat better and at least do some form of excercise most days (even if that is just walking the dog), heck that is better than nothing......right!

This weekend we are going to meet my friends new baby, she will be almost 2 weeks old when we see her. I am excited, but know it will be hard as I will be a bit envious. We also have another friends daughter's first b-day party. It will be a baby filled weekend.

Hoping for some resolution on the meds front so we are all set for CD 1.....otherwise, just another day!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

RE Consult--CHECK

So, Andrew was able to make it to meet with the RE yesterday and I think it was a big help to both of us and also to help us figure out what we are comfortable doing to get pg. I think we have a plan laid out for at least this cycle and the 2 following. After that, I'll need to think a little more about the path. There is a chance I have some endometriosis and this could be the cause of our problems. But there is no way to know with out doing a laproscopy, so if after the next 3 cycles I am not pg, I'll think about it and talk to the nurse about what would be best. Just not sure and crossing fingers we don't have to find out.

I am feeling better, not totally optimistic for this last unmedicated IUI, but good about upping the aggression in treatments. With a limit of 6 IUIs covered by the insurance and this weeks being #2....that is a factor.

We'll see. Wish us luck this weekend.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Onto Another Cycle

Well, we are onto IUI #2. Last month's vacation didn't do the trick and we are planning to IUI this month (should be the first week in October). I am so crossing my fingers that this IUI will work although there is a little dilemma with Andrew's work schedule and maybe being out of town, but he has assured me he will be available when he is needed.

We also are consulting with the RE next Tues (yep on my 31st b-day) about the next step if IUI #2 doesn't work. I am on the fence about if I'd want to do another IUI unmedicated or if we should go ahead and try medicated......I think I may lean towards one more unmedicated and then go the medicated route. Insurance will pay for 6, but there are considerations for IVF as well, so maybe 2 unmedicated and 3 medicated are best.......

But truthfully, I am SO hoping we won't have to do all of that!!!!! We'll see.

I am doing OK this week with the news and looking forward to a get-away with DH this weekend. We need it.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Ramblings on a Friday

Well, not much to report on the baby front, OK nothing to report on the baby front, but I have some time, so I thought I'd write to just get some stuff out. What stuff?? As I sit here, I don't know.

I am trying to numb myself to baby feelings and all the issues I've been having with everyone else having babies and us just observing for what seems like years. We just always had our plan and that has just been shot all to nothing. Now there is no plan.....we thought at this point in our lives we would have a baby and be enjoying that new adventure, but it just hasn't worked out that way.

I have to admit it stresses me a lot now with the idea that if we can somehow manage to get pg this year, Andrew will probably be 37 when the baby arrives..........and who knows if we'll have more, but we aren't spring chickens anymore. I too am sadly getting older and this effects my fertility far more than his age......HECK I'll be 31 in a couple of weeks. My clocks is ticking along and I feel like we are just stuck. Heck we've had this conversation for what seems like years now as family and friends have had babies and grown their families and we have stagnated with the two of us.

I feel like family has basically given up on us having babies and that makes me SAD!!! WE SO WANT A BABY (and I want to scream it from the mountain tops), but things just aren't proceeding as planned. DARN PLANS!!! I so want to tell them of our issues, but then it is always talked about and questioned and I've discovered that is just as hard or harder, so for now we are just going to put on a smiley face and act happy for everyone who is pg and expecting the next bundles of joys (oh, but we are very thrilled for everyone's happy news) much as it makes me want to cry a lot of the time. I have the green envy monster but he is ever present these days in my life and yes, it makes me sad, but I feel like I have no control over him. he just arrives and there he is in the room.

Oh, well. We are off this weekend to support the Hokies, so that will be a nice distraction. our next cycle should begin next week and here's crossing our fingers for some good news to come out of it!!! we've passed the 18 month mark, so surely that means we are due some GOOD, EXCITING, LIFE-CHANGING NEWS!!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

We missed this month.....

So, we were at the beach last week and missed the opportunity to IUI. So IUI #2 will hopefully happen in October. One snafu.....we are supposed to go to SC that weekend and now that is when we will probably need to IUI, so the trip may have to be cancelled....postponed.

I am so ready to be pg and have a baby. As more and more friends are pg and have babies it only gets harder to be in those situations. My friend is due any day now and her pg is the first one I really struggled with and now, with my SIL and her SIL pg and my BF pg all due next spring, I am feeling like this going to be really emotionally hard to handle. Blogging helps me get out a lot of the emotions I am feeling. I am very happy for them all, but I want to feel the same thing. I yearn to join the mommy world as tough and as challenging as that may be.

Someday...and hopefully soon. We'll see.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Well, it is Monday the 27th of Aug and where, oh, where has the summer gone. I am currently looking very forward to 4 days of work and then vacation....ultimately to the beach with family, but also to Blacksburg for the VT football game and some down time at home.

We are hoping the timing works out to IUI on the 7th and 8th of Sep. We'll see, you just never know, but we think we'll be able to get in at least one days IUI, but hoping for both. If we do get pg then the EDD would be 30 May 2008......crossing fingers and saying a prayer.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Let's see..the start of Cycle 17 (I think)

So today is the first day of another cycle. This has to be 17 cycles, but there maybe one to two in there I missed....probably best to stick with 17 it is just easier. I so can't believe we have almost been trying for a year and a half. It just seems insane when others take a few months or no time at all. Oh, well, I guess this is just how it goes sometimes.

I am hoping the timing will all work out and we will be able to IUI this month, but it is a bit up in the air with vacation. I am going to go ahead and make all the calls I need on Monday so everything is in order and I think we'll discuss "tentative" options this weekend to decide a rough game plan....but since my body doesn't always follow the plan...there will be some up in the airness this month. But I really want to IUI, so crossing fingers and a daily prayer will be in the plans. :)

Otherwise, I think we are doing well this month. I think we both were more prepared for the possibility that this wouldn't work the first month and just knowing we are being proactive has helped the sadness a lot. Now if IUI#2 doesn't work I don't know if I'll be so positive.

We do already have a follow-up planned with the RE, even if we don't IUI this month so we can figure out what is next. For that I have no idea, other than insurance requires 3 IUIs with that is probably the next step we would have to take.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Beta results from IUI #1 are in

And as is a Negative (so onto month 17 of TTCing). The nurse was so sad about having to call and tell us this news, but it came as no surprise. I am glad Andrew and I had discussed it over the weekend, so we are both feeling optimistic about the next round. One problem.....vacation. It seems IUI will probably be needed the week we are on vacation, although we are not sure at this point nor will we really be until the time arrives. I am going to authorization and all and plan like we'll be here and hoping it will work out. I'd really like to get a chance this month.

Either way..yes or no this month.....we have a reconsult with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) on the 25th to develop a plan for after the two natural IUIs. He initially felt so sure these would work since we have no underlying medical issues that the next step wasn't really discussed. I have no idea what would be best for us and since I know insurance only helps with a limited number of IUIs (per lifetime) and in order to change options there are steps you must go through for the insurance, so after one or two failed IUIs naturally, we want to sit and chat again about this. Plus, Andrew has been unable to come so far and this visit he will be able to go and talk to the doctor too---which I think will help his understanding of some things as well.

So that is where we are at.....feeling optimistic this month with the future. Some months this can't be said.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Well, today is Sunday and....

I tested first thing this morning. I didn't feel confident at all, but had a sliver of hope. Anyway another Big Fat Negative (BFN), so I go into the doctor's tomorrow for a blood test which will certainly be negative as well and proceed onto another month. I am hoping to stay on the prometrium a bit longer so we'll get a chance to IUI next month otherwise we'll be out of town.

Even though it didn't wotk this month, I am still in a better place this month than last. I think because at least we are being proactive and the traditional baby making isn't working and we are trying out technological advances, which makes me positive.

To know we are both healthy and in g good baby making order helps a ton and so I am still feeling very optimistic....needless to say, I am looking forward to the glass of wine I have been avoiding with optimism during thsi 2ww....which is something I haven't had to do much since usually there isn't much optimism.

So here's to crossing fingers and saying a lot of prayers that IUI #2 falls into place in September and produces a little baby Holmes!!!!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Not too optimistic, but still hoping

Well, I've decided to start to blog the happenings in the Holmes' household as we continue the journey to expand our family. So far it has been 16 months of trying with out any success. We are optimistic that one of these days we'll have some good news in this area.

In April 06 we started our TTC journey, in April 07 we began going to see a specialist in the hopes of getting pregnant. After a lot of tests, we are both healthy and there is no medical reason why we can't conceive.

In Aug 07, we did our first IUI. Today, we are 11 days past the IUI and I did take a pregnancy test, but it was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Although it is early and I could very well be pregnant- since on this day the home tests are about 60% accurate..., but I am not feeling very optimistic at this point. I am planning to take another home pregnancy test on Sunday (just hoping for a two pink lines) and then I have a beta test at the doctor's on Monday.

I am starting this blog in the hopes that one day I will be able to share it with family and friends to make a big announcement. Who knows how long that will be from now.....time will tell. For now, I am just going to share thoughts on everything going on as it happens, to document the journey that hopefully will have a happy ending.