Thursday, December 27, 2007

Feelings today

DH took the news really bad. He was SO sad, it was terrible having to tell him. However about 2 hours after sharing the news, he came downstairs and was like...."Now that you tell me I have an infection, I am not feeling well. Everything hurts". Who knows. We are just waiting for the tests to come back and then get him antibiotics to get whatever it is cleared up. And we'll hope for AF to appear quickly and get going on the next round.

I feel like all we do is wait and feel like we are never going to be parents........SIGH!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

IUI #3 Canceled

So I battled traffic to go to IUI and when I get there they take me to a little office and say the Dr. will be right in to talk to you. You know that isn't good. Turns out Andrew has an infection and so they have sent it off to determine treatment, but no IUI since they would risk spreading the germs to me. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

How it goes, but I so was on the verge of tears talking to her. I have just been at a low point with the whole IF thing and another month blown. Will be ever have a baby?

1 Hour to IUI #3

So I am about to head out for IUI #3. We did get to use all the meds....clomid, follistim (and I do agree with the nickname follisting), and the ovidrel. Sadly, at the CD11 u/s the RE only saw 1 mature follie and not the 3 the nurse saw on CD9; so I am a bit bummed about that. Needless to say, we are crossing our fingers for some good results. I'll post this afternoon with the results of the IUI!

Sunday, December 23, 2007


So, last night we got the call to add the Follistim shot to our protocol this month. Very exciting as it adds a little extra ummph to the chance of success. Now we are just hoping those 3 follies keep maturing and that tomorrow morning we get the go ahead to trigger and have the IUI on the Wed, Dec 26. We'll know tomorrow afternoon what the plan is, but this little change gives us a little better chance for success and at this point adds some extra hope....YAY!! I am thrilled.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

CD9 Update

Well, I went in this morning and while getting my blood drawn was a PAIN, the u/s went pretty well. I loved the nurse who talked through everything. I have 3 follies--none quite mature. One teh right there is a 14mm and on the left there is an 11 and a 12. Good news......I am hoping to get to use my follisitm, since they aren't quite mature. We'll see when the nurse calls this afternoon.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

CD3 Update

Sunday was CD3 so in I went for blood work and u/s. Luckily with the threat of bad weather and IVF on a break, I got in and out in no time. Everything looked great and we are on for another round.

For the u/s, I had 22 follies in right ovary and 10 in the left, so those are good starting numbers. I can't wait to see how they respond to the clomid this cycle. I had up to Rockville on Saturday for CD9 u/s and blood work and I am hoping to trigger and IUI on Monday, but we'll see. This was how I progressed the last couple of cycles so I figure I will respond the same.

I also scheduled a consult with Dr. Saffan for 9 Jan to discuss what is next. We'll know if this cycle has then and we'll be on our 4th IUI (3rd medicated) and at that point I think we need to consider moving to IVF or doing a laproscopy. I am leaning towards IVF, but want to discuss it further and have some time to figure out what we are comfortable with.

SIGH....I wish I was done making these decisions.

Friday, December 14, 2007

CD1.....another round here we come

Today is full of phone calls setting up appointments, getting authorization, informing everyone and their brother it is CD1. Not phone, but what I do each and every month. So here we go on the merry go round again.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Feeling ICKY!!!

Well, AF must be CLOSE because I feel so bad today. Achey all over, esp my head. The only food that sounds good is chocolate and today I so wish she would arrive and let's get on with it!! I was hoping today would be the day, but it looks like tomorrow....if so and plan goes as per usual......IUI would be Christmas Eve. We'll see.....if she waits that means I would need it on Christmas Day and I don't see that happening, I bet they are open....but it seems mean....although a memorable day to conceive. ;)

At the same time I am feeling slightly hopeless, but trying not too. Last month our count was low I think to the protocol, so I am hoping to improve that and maybe the meds will do the trick. This is just IUI #3.....right....but at the #3 the success rates start we'll see.

We are for sure doing a #4....but that is all I know at this point.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Borrowed and SO TRUE

I read this on and she SO hit the nail on the head:
I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, with love and passion. But I can't. Instead, I take horrible meds that make fat, bloated, over heated, and nauseous with swollen ovaries! I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??". I feel so lost since there is no explained reason why I am not pregnant and this adds to the frustration. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire because I am pregnant not because of all the meds I am on. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends and family say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I think I just might throw something next time someone tells me to relax. I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; but it get harder and harder not to explain the delay.....I know they must wonder "Are they ever having kids". I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly. I don’t want to have to use an elastic to loosen my pants because I am so bloated it hurts! I don’t want to put on 25lbs because of all the meds. I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't. Instead, I give hundreds of vials of blood, get poked and prodded and have extremely painful tests. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to go to Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall and I spend all my money on fertility meds, ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't. Instead, I watch him with our nieces and love the way he loves them, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't. Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend and throw their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!". But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't. Instead, I praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

2 More Test and 2 More Big Fat Nagatives

OK, really no surprise, but it is hard not to hope esp since this was the first cycle with Clomid and the trigger shot, but with the low count we had I am not surprised. I stopped taking the supplements on Monday and am not waiting for AF. I am hoping Thursday and then we'll get one more round in before Christmas.

Andrew was pretty sad, hoping we'd have some good news to share on Christmas, but no luck. I can't help but feeling like we are never going to have a baby. As the 2 year mark is fast approaching and tons of new babies are coming into our circle, I am just bracing for a tough few months. I sure hope we get a BFP soon.

I am planning to set up a consult for January (I hope) to discuss what is next. We have to do two more medicated IUIs....and those will soon be through. I'd like to move to IVF, but I need to figure out the plan. Do we need to do an injectible cycle first or something else? Plus also there is the possibility of some endometriosis, would a laproscopy be beneficial before IVF.....? Will I ever be a mom or even ever be pg???

Thursday, December 6, 2007

So I Caved....10dpiui

BFN....still early. Tests aren't totally accurate this early, but I ended having 5 tests versus the 3 I thought I had and figured what the heck. Some people get BFP that early...although I don't think I'll be getting one. Anyway the BFN came up in like 2 secs.....

I am bummed, but of course will test a few more times before I am totally sure it is truly a BFN as I am expecting.

Sadly, as little hope as I had, I still wish it wasn't a BFN. If I got a BFP then Christmas would be a whole lot easier, without.....feeling like I am going to be in a funk through all the friend and family gtgs since revolve around babies and pg people and I am just sad I can't join the club.

Not totally out of hope, but I will generally be enjoying our All-Inclusive resort we are headed to this weekend. We SO need a break from all this crap and when we return, back on the IF merry go round. SIGH!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Testing is getting close

I really don't have much hope, but as the days pass this twinge and that always lead to the HOPE! And the hope is so hard to deal with. Since we are headed on a little get-away to the Caribbean, I am planning to test on Friday morning at 11dpiui and if neg I will test again on Sunday or Monday. Truly, I don't feel pg and I think all the twinges are s/e of the meds. I learned that the hard way last time when I got my hopes all up and then they got dashed on the floor, so this time I am truly trying to not lend those s/e any credit.

Today I was standing at work and it is 8dpiui and the perfect time for implantation, so I am standing there and I feel this HUGE cramp and then this woosh of something wet.....I am hoping for some implantation spotting---just for a glimmer of hope, but I rush off and it is just the meds. SIGH!!! I sure would love a Christmas surprise, but that hope is only the size of a mustard seed right now.