Today was a Long Day!!!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving. And I survived....although I wasn't sure I was going to at some points during the day. I knew heading into the holiday season and all the family activities that I was going to have a tough time with all of our IF issues. With my SIL pg with #3 and all the news surrounding that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping myself together.....and YES it was SO true. I am very excited for my SIL as they are having their first baby boy, but at the same time.....as much as I don't want to be, I am totally envious. I had such an utter feeling of hopelessness on our quest to have a baby and I just feel so out of place at family get togethers now. I feel like we don't fit in since we don't have kids and growing families. More and more I feel like we are talked about like.....why don't they have kids yet. And I just feel alone. I feel awkward with my SIL, whom I confided in about our issues and now with her pg it is just very awkward. I don't want to talk about it.......she tries her hardest, but she can't understand. She is on baby #3 and I don't think any of the pregnancies have taken long to occur. So, the frustration and angst I feel at the 20 month mark is just hard for her and I just find it better not to talk about it.....or else I will end up in tears.

I cried a lot today. What is wrong with me that we can't have a little one of our own. I know I have issues and need to work on somethings....but heck....don't we all.

Everyone has kids and I just feel like we never are going to and yes this is irrational and yes I know that. We are nowhere near that point, but more and more I feel like......hmmmm.....just sad and hopeless.

I honestly never imagined it would take us this long to get pg. Sure a lot of friends had issues, but why would we. Boy was I wrong. I thought we'd have a 1 year old by now or close to it and instead I can't even get a BFP on a pg test. It grieves me.

I am thankful for a lot on this day of Thanksgiving....I mean I have a loving husband, the best in-laws a girl could hope for, a great family, a job (not so wonderful but pays the bills), a house I really like in a fabulous community, great friends, and a loving God whom I am sure is teaching us something with this struggle. I should lean more on him and trust in his time....it is hard though esp as we keep getting older. At this point if I got pg this cycle I'll be 32 when the baby is born....and we started trying when I was 29.....I though as long as we start before 30 we'll be in great shape. I was SO wrong and currently I am reminded of that everyday.

I have moaned and groaned enough.......I just really needed to vent. It is hard to talk to DH about this stuff sometimes because I feel like he doesn't get it or isn't as troubled by this---that is unfair and probably not true, he is just different and I need to cut him some slack on that.